Boy, is job hunting ever a drag. I mean, it seems almost perverse how much time and effort it takes without generating any kind of tangible result — that is, until you actually find work, of course. I’ve been looking for part-time work for a few weeks now. Not exactly because I want a job, or even that I am lacking in work or projects to do. Goodness knows I have enough projects on the go or on the drawing board to keep me busy… indefinitely.
No, what I need, despite fervently wishing it wasn’t so, is work that I get paid for. And even better, work that I get paid regularly for. And, it seems that I am not all that good at drumming up said work for myself. I wish that I was – motivated, ambitious, organized, business-oriented, a real self-starter! But I’m not! Not yet, at least. So, it’s easier for me to not hate myself for falling short of that standard by finding some external work, at least in the meantime. Someone to tell me where to go, what to do, how to do it, and then give me a nice cheque. So that I can then go home and not worry so freaking much about how the hell I’m going to do whatever the hell it is I’m doing with my life.
I feel so exhausted by all the thinking and planning of late that focusing on my craft has required. Does it get easier to balance? Wasn’t the idea of focusing on my craft meant to, you know, give me more time to craft? Despite the ways that the various job jobs I’ve had over the years have been unsatisfactory, I really miss that devision between work and play, between work and home. My craft-work-worry follows me everywhere, I’m always ‘at work’, whether I’m in my studio actually working or not.
And still – what does all my worrying accomplish? Anxiety is just self-doubt in another guise. Worrying so much I think actually distracts me from accomplishing anything. And yet, looking for a part-time job, as at least a partial relief from that cycle, has only compounded that anxious feeling. Like, as long as I don’t have a job yet, I need to keep looking, I need to make that a priority. But until I find a job, I have nothing to show for all this effort, and I feel like I’m accomplishing nothing…
This is my ’emotional totem pole’ – from the creative assignments I’ve been doing with my good friend and fellow creative-struggler. It’s almost uncomfortable to look at actually, it’s so unbearably accurate…
Ha, all of this negativity was actually to say that after being ground down by the job-hunting process for weeks, I have a meeting next week about a gig that sounds more or less decent, finally. It’s sewing for a local design company, which sounds fine, but the neat part is that they use organically grown and processed materials, dyes, etc. Their philosophy is totally eco-friendly, their designs are pretty cool looking… I think it could be okay.
There, is that a light enough note to end on? A little trickle of positive energy making it’s way in? I think so. And now, time for carrot ginger soup. Okay!