This Divided State of heArt

as i am painting more these days, as i am permitting myself to be drawn so into this process of making the purely ‘art-for-art’s-sake’ stuff more often, some things have been dawning on me. Taking a retrospective minute now to look with outsiders eyes at some of the things i’ve painted and made in the last year, it’s so painfully obvious…

I have some pretty dark feelings cooped up inside.

And these reoccurring themes – yikes. Of bodies dissected, divided, detached, desecrated. the quiet violence of this. staring me in the face. a body of work — my body: my work.

And you know, it’s sadly ironic — all this time i have spent seeking ways to manage and police the boundary between my “professional” work and the product of my personal, deeply emotional creative process… all this time even, feeling like my “professional” work must wear those scare quotes, the s0-called work, never feeling like it truly fit, even when it is going well, always wondering what the hell am i doing and where am i going, anyway?

All this time relegating my personal work as things not “fit” for others to see, too messy, too emotional, too useless… certainly not marketable, not serious work…

when in fact it’s only this personal stuff that i care about at all, really, when if i was paying attention I would have realized that all of these ugly, emotional works felt they positively burned their way out of me with their need to exist…

Asking: Are you listening, now?

It seems clear now that the key to releasing myself from this stalemate i’ve been struggling with is not with discipline to develop a more mechanical and rigid relationship to my career, dividing the personal and professional permanently, efficiently — but rather to remove each and every barrier i have erected between my work and my heart – out of fear, out of self preservation – and pour all the love and energy i have for art and beauty and life, and yes, the pain too, into making work i can share with the world.

Clearly, i need to do this, for myself. Clearly these raw pieces point towards the work i have to do, to grow, to repair and reunite my heart and my work, to accept my gift for seeing and feeling all this messy gorgeousness and pain in the world. maybe that is what this work really is, just a record of the process of opening up to it all…

luckily, this painting and making not only points the way to the work i must do, it seems to be in itself that work. so that’s nice.

[sometimes my capacity for self-analysis is sort of nauseating, isn’t it? oh well. it’s my blog, after all! i think that all artists must be narcissists, on some level…]

peace to all of you, my friends.



One Response

  1. […] Divided state of he/art […]

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